So I’ve been avoiding this topic for awhile. Self esteem.
I’ve struggled with self esteem for as long as I can remember.
I’ve typed in one of my other blog posts about how I was bullied all of the time when I was younger about my weight and stuff.
Well that was honestly just the start of the self esteem problems.
I was never a thin person. Maybe when I was 6 or 7. But that’s about it. Even when I had hit my lowest weight, I still always had a stomach. When I was 115lbs I still had a stomach. It never went away.
People had constantly picked on me for my looks and “stomach”. I was the ugly girl. The fat girl. Didn’t matter what I did. I still was ugly.
My parents weren’t helpful either.
I remember going school shopping with my mom and every time I had tried on pants, she would make me lift my shirt up outside of the dressing room to make sure my “muffin top” wasn’t hanging out over.
My dad would always yell at me to stop wearing tight shirts because my “fat rolls clung to them”.
This constantly continued year after year.
Even after high school. Guys wouldn’t date me because I was “ugly” or “too fat”. At this point, I started to get a backbone and told them where to shove it.
At this point I only weighed 125 pounds.
But here’s the kicker that took my self esteem right in to the ground.
A lot of bad things had happened during the age of 22-26. Hanging with the wrong crowd, rape, threats to kill me, people telling me to just kill myself, abuse emotionally and physically.
I didn’t care anymore. I just stopped trying with everything. Which resulted in a 25 pound weight gain. Now remember, I do lift so part of that is muscle. But I just started eating what I wanted and when I wanted because I just didn’t care and food “never let me down”.
I kept telling myself. Well, everyone thinks I’m fat and ugly anyway. Nothing I do will change that so why bother.
The comments got even worse when I gained the weight and let myself go, appearance at all. I had turned myself in to what people were saying about me.
Even my personality got worse.
This is where I went wrong.
I realized the problem I had caused. The down and out negative attitude. The weight gain. I was letting others get to me and giving up on myself.
The only person that can let you down is you.
I’ve learned, people will let you down. They will degrade you. Not one single person on this planet wants you to be better than them. They will find any excuse to outdo you or come up with any possible way to make themselves seem better. It’s life. It’s human nature.
I’m working on building up my self esteem. I have better days than others, for sure.
*I’m trying to work on at least saying 3 positive things about myself each morning before I get started with the day.
*I’m getting my diet better and working on getting some of the weight off.
*Reminding myself I’m not alone. I’m not the only one who has gone through or going through this. Even though at times it does feel like it.
*Trying to advocate and make some positive change in this world.
Ask yourself, what do you want in life? What positive changes do you want to make? What’s scaring/holding you back? What can you do to work on self esteem?