Self esteem

So I’ve been avoiding this topic for awhile. Self esteem.

I’ve struggled with self esteem for as long as I can remember.

I’ve typed in one of my other blog posts about how I was bullied all of the time when I was younger about my weight and stuff.

Well that was honestly just the start of the self esteem problems.

I was never a thin person. Maybe when I was 6 or 7. But that’s about it. Even when I had hit my lowest weight, I still always had a stomach. When I was 115lbs I still had a stomach. It never went away.

People had constantly picked on me for my looks and “stomach”. I was the ugly girl. The fat girl. Didn’t matter what I did. I still was ugly.

My parents weren’t helpful either.

I remember going school shopping with my mom and every time I had tried on pants, she would make me lift my shirt up outside of the dressing room to make sure my “muffin top” wasn’t hanging out over.

My dad would always yell at me to stop wearing tight shirts because my “fat rolls clung to them”.

This constantly continued year after year.

Even after high school. Guys wouldn’t date me because I was “ugly” or “too fat”. At this point, I started to get a backbone and told them where to shove it.

At this point I only weighed 125 pounds.

But here’s the kicker that took my self esteem right in to the ground.

A lot of bad things had happened during the age of 22-26. Hanging with the wrong crowd, rape, threats to kill me, people telling me to just kill myself, abuse emotionally and physically.

I didn’t care anymore. I just stopped trying with everything. Which resulted in a 25 pound weight gain. Now remember, I do lift so part of that is muscle. But I just started eating what I wanted and when I wanted because I just didn’t care and food “never let me down”.

I kept telling myself. Well, everyone thinks I’m fat and ugly anyway. Nothing I do will change that so why bother.

The comments got even worse when I gained the weight and let myself go, appearance at all. I had turned myself in to what people were saying about me.

Even my personality got worse.

This is where I went wrong.

I realized the problem I had caused. The down and out negative attitude. The weight gain. I was letting others get to me and giving up on myself.

The only person that can let you down is you.

I’ve learned, people will let you down. They will degrade you. Not one single person on this planet wants you to be better than them. They will find any excuse to outdo you or come up with any possible way to make themselves seem better. It’s life. It’s human nature.

I’m working on building up my self esteem. I have better days than others, for sure.

*I’m trying to work on at least saying 3 positive things about myself each morning before I get started with the day.

*I’m getting my diet better and working on getting some of the weight off.

*Reminding myself I’m not alone. I’m not the only one who has gone through or going through this. Even though at times it does feel like it.

*Trying to advocate and make some positive change in this world.

Ask yourself, what do you want in life? What positive changes do you want to make? What’s scaring/holding you back? What can you do to work on self esteem?

❤️ Nikki

Keep moving forward, even if it hurts.

It’s hard. It’s hard when you go through so much pain to just shake it off and push forward.

I’ve had a trying year for sure. Well a trying past 2 1/2 years. I didn’t want to handle anything so I just watched and let everything fall apart around me. I didn’t care what happened.

I figured, well this is my life. I just need to sit back and deal with this.

This is so far from the truth. I let myself think this for 2 1/2 years. I was stuck and no one was gonna rescue me. I just have to live my life like this until I die or I kill my self first. I was leaning more toward the killing myself part because I couldn’t take it anymore.

We have a hard time accepting things that aren’t meant to be. We try and try to make what we want happen. It doesn’t always work out that way.

Life isn’t a fairytale story. Where the girl gets the guy of her dreams, vise versa, etc. We don’t get our dream job that makes us 150% happy (if you do, that’s so awesome and I’m happy for you). People don’t fall at our feet, those mean girls/guys don’t end up being your friend. You and your best friend don’t always remain best friends forever and sometimes never make up after a fight. You don’t always have the perfect family, the perfect body, always good at everything you do.

But that’s what we want and strive for..

We set high hopes for ourselves. We read too much in to fairytale and expect that to happen with our lives-but it never does. We expect to find that person that makes us weak at the knees and will forever-it doesn’t always happen (I can say it hasn’t happened to me). We feel if we force things and push, that it will magically happen.

If it doesn’t, we tend to give up on ourselves. That’s what happened to me.

Like I said. I felt stuck, in a rut, that this is how my life is supposed to be and I’ll die this miserable.

I realized one day that I can’t keep living like this and had planned to just end myself. I wanted to take my whole bottle of antidepressant meds and just die. There’s no fixing things I told myself. I can’t move forward because it will hurt too much and I’ll let letting others down.

I got one of those “kicks” to start moving forward. I had such a motivation, and still do.

I’ve eliminated the negativity in my life. I’ve cut people out. Also, have eliminated chit chatting with those who put me down that I’m close to. I’m working on saving to start my own business that will address mental health awareness. I’m working on saving to be alone. Hopefully by the end of the year. Because I’m not happy with my s/o. It’s not fair to either of us. I’d rather be alone then to feel like this. I’m giving myself an exit instead of feeling stuck. And that I have to feel like this forever.

I’m working on ME.

I have distanced myself a bit in my personal life here. But, it is helping me. I can’t always please others. I’ve accepted things that will not happen. I can’t dwell and depress myself even more. It does hurt some days. It really really does. I wish some days that I could be perfect, make everyone happy and get everything I want- back to remember life isn’t a fairytale.

I’m still struggling and going to continue to struggle. I’m going to have good days. I’m going to have bad days. I’m going to have days where my mind goes back to suicide.

I’m setting goals for myself and fighting like hell to achieve them. That’s what’s keeping me going.

❤️ Nikki

The Meaning Of Life

So I had got asked this question today- “what is the meaning of life?” and it really did make me think.

At first I’m like, is this a trick question, seriously?! Lol. But I want to thank this person because it did open up my mind a bit and of course gave me the topic to discuss today.

So.. in all honesty. I don’t have a straight answer. I really don’t.

If you would have asked me this a month or two ago, I would have been like, there’s no reason or purpose. We’re just here existing. I wouldn’t have given a second thought about it.

Starting this blog though, advocating for mental health also on twitter, Facebook and Instagram gave me my answer to this question- this is my meaning.

Realizing my mental health has gotten as bad as it has recently and what I go through on a daily basis and not having anyone in my life get it or just choose not to get it, gave me the incentive to advocate not just for myself, but for everyone struggling.

I feel like I was led to do this. It seems to be falling in line. Doing this and talking with all of you does give me hope and purpose.

I have some things in the works to advocate even more which makes me so happy and drives me more.

Before I started all of this, I felt alone. Abnormal. I kept everything inside. Even when I did talk with someone, I don’t think they fully got it or understood what I’m going through. It’s not their fault, they’re just not educated.

Some days, I don’t feel anything. I have no emotion. I can’t love, I can’t be happy or sad. I’m just there. Life those days to me are just blah.

The days the suicidal thoughts come in. Those days are just me fighting like crazy not to harm myself. I don’t want to. Those days my mind tells me, just do it. You’ll feel better. No one will care. You have no purpose. Things I know that aren’t true but the mind is a complex thing and drives you to do things that you don’t want.

Side bar: I had a conversation with someone last night. They had said, turn to God then you’ll be fine. I am religious yes. God is in control and has made all of this success possible for me. The mind has it’s own way of working and can turn on anyone. It doesn’t matter how religious or non religious you are. The mind works the same way. Thankfully, this person understood. Which made me feel better. Then they told me I should be a public speaker 😂 but I get anxiety talking in large crowds, which I am working on FYI.

Going back to the actual question of what is the meaning of life.

To me, the meaning is whatever you want it to be. You can go out and change the world or sit back and watch each day go by.

Now, with my mood swings, each day is different. But no matter what mood I am in, I still always advocate. I reach out. I post. I strive for change- to make a difference.

Once you find something worth striving for, you keep pushing. The sky is the limit. Nothing will stop you.

Find your meaning of life.

❤️ Nikki

Runaway behavior

I’ve had thoughts of running away many many times.

I’ve felt like if I could move and just start over that everything would be okay.

I would take off from home a lot and just drive somewhere where no one could find me and shut my phone off for hours. I didn’t want anyone to find me. I wanted to be alone.

Now that I’m older, my thoughts have been just to take off without anyone knowing where I’m going and just not coming back.

You know..

I’ve looked up one way plane tickets to different places in the US and even overseas to just go to.

Sometimes, I feel like if I just disappear, it would make everyone’s lives easier. Staring over with people who don’t know me personally and not having any judgments would be a great thing.

With where I’m at now, my past has really given me a bad name. Really bad. Everyone has their judgments and I’ve met basically everyone that I can possibly meet in this small town.

But, really thinking everything over, running away on a whim isn’t the answer. Problems will follow you. You can’t escape unless you address them directly. I know we get impulses where we just want to go and not come back whether a bad day causes it or a bad situation, whatever you’re facing.

Right now, I’m trying to think of the good going on around me and what damage it would do to that if I just picked up and left. It’s not many things but it’s enough. Just remind yourself, even if it’s one thing, that you’re where your supposed to be for a reason.

I don’t understand many things in my life right now. I’ve questioned as to why this is happening to me. Why can’t I ever be truly happy? Etc. I know I’ll figure things out. I can’t keep sitting back and waiting. I need to take action. But I can’t run from it either.

I can always consider leaving if once everything is addressed and I’m not comfortable with where I’m at.

I have my places around here where I can escape to for now if needed. It does help. Even though I want to pick up and just go a lot of the time.

Make a list of what is keeping you where you’re at right now. You can write it or store it mentally. Just to be able to remind yourself that right now, you’re where your supposed to be. It’s tough and it’s a demon I fight everyday.

Things do have a way of working out. Always.

❤️ Nikki

Sexual abuse.. (trigger warning)

I put trigger warning at the top just because I know a lot of people who have dealt with sexual abuse have flashbacks. I’m going to go in to some detail here and don’t want to upset anyone.

Read at your own risk..

Sooooo…

Sexual abuse. Gosh. Okay. Panic is setting in. But I do need to address this.

*takes a few deep breaths*

I’ve avoided this topic for a bit of time. I still haven’t brought this up in therapy yet either. I’ve dealt with sexual abuse on and off since I was 19.

I’m not gonna go in to detail fully. But I wasn’t hanging around the best crew at the first time it happened. The guy I was seeing at the time had forced himself because I wasn’t ready since I had just got out of a relationship with my long term high school boyfriend.

Going further, and I’ve blocked a lot of this out so I really have to think, I had a guy try to give me an STD because I broke up with his friend. Thankfully, I got out of that situation. Then the threats of killing me started coming from him and his friends.

But guess who got blamed for all of it? 🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️

Then I took a step back for awhile. But American men for the most part. Are pigs. Sorry but true. Still was getting hit on and grabbed and them trying to get their way with me.

I then met someone. Little did I know he was a drug user. He was high one time. Physical and sexual abuse happened. He punched me first. Then.. you know the rest. You bet I got out of that immediately. But the damage had been done.

Continuing on..

The person I’m with now. Everything started out good. We settled down. Things changed. Of course they changed. He can’t leave me alone. He’s constantly saying “nasty” things to me, grabbing me constantly and forcing me for things. He says he does this out of love. But yeah, erm, that’s not love. But again, guess who everyone believes?? This is because in public, he puts on a good front. When I’ve said anything people always say to me, “oh he’s joking” or “you’re too uptight”. The first time I tried to leave, he cried like a baby and guilted me into staying. Now, his father does this to his mother. He grew up around this. Plus his dad being an alcoholic. Well, this time I’m not being guilted. I don’t want this forever. It’s not a situation I can walk away from easily, but I’m working on it. It sucks it’s going to take longer than I want but…. I know I’m making the right choice.

I’m sorry. But if you have to act gross to show love for someone. That’s not love. You’re insecure with yourself and feel you have to force yourself on that person. I’d honestly rather be single the rest of my life than deal with this.

I was young when all this happened and I rushed in to things to try and be happy. Being 28 now. I’ve really grown up a lot and am realizing how much I have actually been through and how I haven’t dealt with it ever. Now I want to deal with it. But I want to deal alone.

A lot of people overlook sexual abuse. Especially in the US. Excuses are made. Or the guy says something like “she asked for it” or “she was willing” or “she’s lying”. The one that gets me though. “Look how she was dressed, she was asking for it”.

Whether you’re a man or a woman. No one deserves this. It’s damaging mentally and emotionally. No abuse should go left unsaid. I really don’t feel enough is done to address sexual and physical abuse.

We all need to take a stand and address abuse. Make others aware of the seriousness. I’m taking a step forward.

Trust me, I’m sure I’ve left things out. But I did state earlier that I have blocked a lot of this out. But you’re not alone if you’re going through this or have gone through this.

DM or email me if you want to talk.

❤️ Nikki

Say something..

My heart is really weighing heavy today. Which is the cause for today’s blog topic.

So, with my job- I work with people with mental health needs and substance abuse needs. I’m long term with the majority of these people. I’m not a therapist but I link with resources is about it.

Today, I found out that one of my long term patients passed away last week. This guy was so young and was finally getting things turned around for him. It’s really not fair. My heart just breaks. Badly. I literally feel sick.

But it also reminds us how short life can be..

You know, a lot of us go through life unhappy. We settle. We settle in marriages, we settle with our jobs, our social situation and just our thoughts overall. We live by how others want us to. But what do YOU really want?

No one honestly has ever asked me that. My parents, husband all want me to live how they want me to.

My friends are the only ones that really care about my happiness. I’ve recently told a few of them that I’m not happy and life isn’t supposed to be like this.

I’m tired of sitting around. I’m tired of being pushed around. I want to be truly happy again. I want to make a difference in this world.

Digging around on twitter and Instagram, you want to know what I’ve noticed? There’s triple the people from the UK, Ireland, Australia that post about mental health. Hardly anyone from the US. You know why that is? Because the majority of the people in the US don’t care. A lot of people only care about their phones, social media, politics and THEMSELVES. A lot of people also criticize us in the US for mental health issues, even substance abuse. I’m sorry but it’s true.

Well, no more. I’m stepping up. Stepping up for anyone suffering with mental health and substance abuse. Stepping up for the US. It’s not right to be pushed aside like we don’t matter. When we do.

Sorry, got a little side tracked. I’m hella emotional today.

But overall, what I’m trying to get at today:

-Stand up. Let your voice be heard. You don’t know if you’re going to make a difference unless you TRY.

-Don’t hold your feelings back. Express yourself. Holding in your emotions doesn’t hurt anyone else, except YOURSELF.

-Say something. If you need to say anything to anyone on how you’re feeling. TELL THEM. You just don’t know what will happen each day. You don’t want any words left unsaid. You don’t want to live with any regrets.

-Make yourself happy. Life is really too short. Who cares what others want? What do YOU want? Ask yourself this. Are you content with life? Or does something need to change?

You know, typing these questions out makes me think a lot. I’m watching my life fall apart around me. I’m not speaking up because I’m scared to. I can’t anymore. I need to fix things. I need to start putting pieces back together and work on my happiness. Even if those around me don’t agree with my decisions and actions. I can’t live feeling like this forever.

Time to no longer be afraid.

Fear lies, remember that.

Say something….

❤️ Nikki

Struggling with eating too much, then too little, then too much again..

Let’s go back to the very beginning..

I was never skinny. Except for when I was an infant to 7 years old roughly.

Around that time was when I started to get picked on. I guess for being socially awkward. Why else would you pick on a 7 year old?

Whatever. Anyway..

I remember just eating what I wanted and without a care. I made my parents get me the food I wanted. I blew up. And fast. By the time I was in 6th grade. I had weighed 130 pounds. I looked pregnant. No joke. I had shitty teeth too so I was called “pregnant bugs bunny” all the time. Which I kind of honestly chuckle about now.

I got pushed over the edge by the time I was in 9th grade. I had braces on by that point, which I would have on for 5 years mind you, and I really started to want a boyfriend. Badly.

I met this guy.. seriously every bad story starts with I met this guy 🤣

I met this really great guy. We clicked and became friends instantly. Then I caught feelings blah blah blah. Well he had figured out I liked him. Well.. his reply. You’re not thin enough for me.

Well.. let’s just say the eating less came in to place.

I would eat a salad a day. And pick at something small for dinner, skip breakfast. Workout every day. I played field hockey and ran track.

I got myself down from 130 pounds to 110lbs. I was a size 2 and could almost fit in a 0. I wanted that 0. I did get it. But I was soooo thin it freaked me out.

I started lifting a little at this time to tone up. Which made me go back up to 115lbs. I met my “high school long term boyfriend” my senior year. Who was perfect I may add. I was totally in to him and he didn’t want a relationship after awhile. So we split and no later was he dating a freshman. I was devastated.

That’s where the spiral started..

I had issues with guys after that. I was hit, attacked for no reason, one had plotted to kill me. The emotional damage was so bad. It still hurts.

I started to not care and began eating a lot again. That’s when the weight started to go back on.

I ate what I wanted and whenever I wanted.

I then met my now husband, possibly soon to be ex husband. Treated me like gold, we got married. Things took a turn. The emotional abuse started. Names, being called fat and what drives me more insane. Constantly grabbing me and being perverted all the time.

This has brought myself to a new low. I began drinking all the time. I began starting to think of ways to sneak alcohol in to work and not get caught.

I lost all control. No one could keep me on the straight and narrow. I tried talking to nutritionists, crossfit and running trainers. Nothing.

I needed to take control back..

I started 1 week ago.

My highest peak in weight was 180 pounds. This was last week. I got myself down to 177 pounds so far. My goal is to do this healthy and not lose any muscle I’ve built. If I can get myself down to 155lbs I’d be happy.

Many people have told me I’m nuts and don’t look heavy. Well yes, part of the gain is muscle. But a lot of it is fat too.

Depression, mania, mood swings are the root of this.

Well what’s different this time?? I’ve been asked already, yes haha.

Well I’m working with a friend who wants to lose weight as well. We’re keeping each other accountable. I’m running a half marathon soon. So with this, I need to stay strict or 13.1 miles will eat me alive, literally. I want to get stronger and be able to do gymnastic work. I have the strength but my weight deters me. My body can’t hold my weight. I’ve had knee concerns that are flaring up again because of the gain. I can’t live like this. I’ve got rid of everything junk in my house. I isolate a little more. Primarily so I’m not tempted to drink.

I have goals and know what I want. That’s what’s driving me. I know there’s better. I know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to work for it.

I’m finding my strength, my supports that I can vent to. This has helped. Instead of keeping everything bottled up.

I am also planning on no longer being anonymous soon. I have big things planned that I want to start. I want people to look up to me. I have to be healthy not just mentally but physically to do this.

This is gonna be a long, hard road. I’m gonna cry, complain, maybe “relapse” a time or 2 no matter how hard I try not to.

However, I quit being addicted to food. I quit letting it have a hold on me. I can’t let my depression drag me down on this either.

❤️ Nikki