I’ve been mulling over this for the past few days. However, today it really is hitting me. Badly.
My entire life, I always seem to put myself in situations that end up hurting me. Why?? No I’m not a rebel. I just never fancied listening to other people.
I’ve been hurt by so many people, lied to, cheated on, kicked in the dirt. The question I always ask myself is- why should I listen to anyone else but myself??
I always figured, I’ll learn things on my own terms and do what I want.
I do wish I could convince myself to listen to some people though. Especially my parents, I just can’t bring myself to it.
I feel that others are just going to lead me down a path of pain. I can’t trust anyone. I won’t trust anyone. I’ve been through so much in my life, to actually trust anyone is so hard. I just wait for people to screw me over. I know it’s coming. Why get involved in the first place??
Also, why do I feel I put myself in these situations that end up hurting me??
I feel like it’s a punishment to myself in a way. I feel like I’m such a horrible human being that I deserve to feel this way. It’s like a never ending cycle.
I’m also used to pain. I don’t know what life is like without pain. Without being hurt by others. I feel like if I don’t have any pain, part of me is gone. I don’t want the pain, I don’t, but without the pain, it’s weird. I feel empty and weird.
Just like I don’t deserve to be happy, I don’t deserve any good. I only deserve hate and hurt.
I know that’s really not true, but I can’t seem to shake that feeling that this is how my life is supposed to be.
I feel almost that it’s attention seeking. That people will pay more attention to me if I am hurting. I’ve always been ignored. I was that girl in last for everything. With no purpose.
It’s super weird typing this all out and seeing it in words.
Am I the only one that feels this way?? What about you?? I’d love to hear what you have to say.